Can’t you see? Can’t you feel? Can’t you wake up? Damn it…

Totally don’t know how fucked up your brain is, to have lost all senses.

Who else can go all way for the sake of your day? I mean, we have witnessed it all, isn’t it? We have seen who can be the ones who can be trusted, and who else can’t, isn’t it?

My goodness… I can’t get rid of this anger…. can’t get rid at all.

This is so fucked up

just so hard… sometimes I wish I can just leave and go somewhere far far away. Sometimes I wish nothing of all these had happened. Sometimes I wish I don’t need to be so bothered, and simply let things happen. Sometimes I wish all these will end. Sometimes I wish I can just call him and give him my tongue lashing. Sometimes I wish I can just scold her and wake her to her senses. Sometimes I wish she is wiser, and see everything clearly.

“There is no way that all of you, who chant daimoku to the Gohonzon and earnestly strive for kosen-rufu, will fail to become happy. You will not only enjoy happiness in this lifetime, but eternally throughout the three existences of past, present, and future.

“Real life, however, is filled with an unending series of problems, including such things as financial troubles, sickness, and family disharmony. But even though, at such times, your circumstances may seem unfortunate on the surface, if you keep chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo throughout, you will definitely be able to transform all that is negative into something positive in accord with the Buddhist principle of ‘changing poison into medicine.’ You can ride out every difficulty, turning it into an opportunity for growth. In this sense, it can be said that, on a fundamental level, you have already won.

“Your life could be likened to a play. You may be performing the role of someone suffering right now, but the play is certain to have a happy and triumphant ending.
There is no way that it could conclude in misery. You will be able to enjoy happiness in lifetime after lifetime. You will be able to win eternally. So you have nothing to worry about.” Ikeda Sensei

Actually, the environment is just a reflection of our own life. And in order to change the environment, must first change oneself, then the chain effect will start. This applies to all places u have problems with. And it’s the only formula to change environment from bad to good or good to bad.

Linmei knows her onei is working very hard to keep things in check for the chalet, but work hard with no heart, will ultimately be reflected on that day one. (Meaning i have to do some reflection too) Then everything will be just do for people to see… which is exactly like mum, isn’t it?

This battle is not a one off thing… and holding an event doesn’t prove anything of the family thingie that u wanna portray, cos it’s already not reflected in our daily life, how u expect it to change anything… esp when our dear papa is still the same pattern, the root of the problem.

If u see it deeply, this whole thing is just reflecting ur innate fundamental darkness… The anger, the hatred, the unhappiness… and all these are simply functions to obstruct u to continue waging this battle, truly with your heart. I mean, even simply making her happy her is very difficult for u… how u expect this family can be kept together? Ultimately, it is the heart that is most important… whatever we are doing is pretty much on the surface… and whether she feels or not, depends on our hearts.

I’m not saying all these cos’ I’m saintly, cos I have the same feeling as you. Just that I have to quickly recognize that all these are the constant mini battles that I have to fight with myself to not produce any negative feelings towards somebody that I should and want to love. And this is… Human Revolution.

If I can’t do my own Human Revolution, how can I expect anyone in the family to do theirs?

I should be intensively chanting though… but I stopped cos was distracted with the module that I was doing. Super bad. But I truly realize the power of Daimoku then, how things did change the moment I was determined and start chanting for it.

But of course, now I have to restart again.

It is an ongoing battle… and we must continue to fight till the battle is won. Along the way, can be pissed, cheesed, can’t be bothered, etc etc… but must quickly deal with them, before they penetrate into you and take over.

I don’t wish to sound like I’m preaching here…but I think u are pretty aware of oneness of self and environment.

Why work is like that and why they are like that, is a reflection of u as their leader… It’s the same in Gakkai ma… if I no heart to participate in a campaign, my juniors will also be in the same rhythm.

Same goes for family, why is it like this now, cos we haven’t been doing anything to change anything when the problem at its scale was small.. but over time, it got big and exploded. So the amt of effort we have to put is, is to cover the years of combination of small small and big big problems… so we need to be patient… I’m lazy by nature… and prefer alot of short cuts, and usually I am capable of finding the shortcuts in any problems or situation I need to solve. And trust me, there’s none for this. And, so we can only choose the slow and steady mood.

The fundamental attitude towards her must change… if not, if we let them (you know who) see through us, we have lost. Cos it’ll just prove mum is right to have made whatever her reasons for decision (that she has been telling them) right.

And I don’t wish to be sarcastic to them. In fact, would like to be sincere to them. I don’t know why… but sarcasm would be behaving exactly like mum in situations when she’s in buona vista… And it’s just not right… cos it’s too convenient to blame them, for our predicament. It is family’s karma, and our lack of efforts, that cause mum’s life to be so unhappy and hence attract those people into her life. Hence, it is not them, but my fault. It is shitty… cos’ it’s always so much easier to blame other people for our predicament. But oh well… Buddhism & Human Revolution most fundamental unit, is back to self. Once one change, the environment will change.

So cheer up, and don’t be unhappy anymore… anything happen, I carry. (but I no money la, so debts are not included here)

I shall not comment too much about how much waiting I had to do just to do bits and pieces of the project.
But overall, I’m quite satisfied with the whole thing… In fact, the article that we’ve chosen is pretty interesting… and that I managed to squeeze this idea out that was discussed by Ikeda Sensei and Dr. David Krieger, who discussed something with relevance on reallocation of military spending.

And there are of course good and bad comments after the class… cos’, in general, everyone thinks this is too idealistic to even suggest. However, I’m glad I had this talk with WL on the part where Sensei’s views being brought to academics (within my uni) will be put off as idealism… (myself guilty of it too) WL was very strict with this, and was very convinced that Sensei IS right. And whatever Sensei suggests, is never idealistic, but do-able.

With that, I’m more firm, and convinced of Sensei’s thoughts, and bring it to class. So when people start saying that I’m too idealistic… I’ll INSIST I’m not.

It is true… After some thinking…. Absolute poverty is bad news for the economy of the country. I mean, they can focus on the GDP growth all they want, but not only does a high percentage of poor people living below the international poverty line reflects very badly on the politicians of that state, it’ll wreak social peace, and there’s this horde of people that could have contribute to the economy, but too busy trying to survive.

Hence, if governments can see from the perspective that… eradicating absolute poverty is going to benefit the country in the LONG RUN, I believe they would have scrambled to salvage the situation in the first place.

Basically, I learned a lot from the article, discussions, and readings from Sensei’s dialogues. And I’m proud to say that Prof’s feedback to us is pretty good.

Well… left with the FINAL exam. I must get my first A+ this time round.

Just did my planning for my modules next sem… I’m doing 5 mods… and most probably if FT that’s selected by the rest fits in, I’ll be doing 5.5.

I mean, it really looks scarily xiong… and I AM NOT looking forward to the start of the madness season.

But I truly want to graduate in 3 years’ time. AND I must do well for the next few subjects to secure the idea of doing 6 mods next few semesters. Okay… sounds crazy once again… but I must admit, although I’m truly enjoying myself in school… but I really want to get back to workforce, and do something that I truly have passion about, or a step towards my passion. WHILE EARNING MONEY.

And I will/must proceed with my masters asap.

I want to upgrade, not cos of myself… but truly want to be in a position that can spark changes in a scale. The stuffs that we discuss in class is always… so far away… and beyond our means to resolve. But the idea of having a life that’s going to revolve around more papers and research, just makes me feel a bit zzz… but, beats more than coding java.

I don’t regret doing MMC in Ngee Ann Polytechnic. But if I can rewind time to secondary school again, I’ll continue to read more books then, and write more… same goes for Poly times… and probably, should have chosen some course that requires more writing… so as to train myself since then. And not trying to catch up like nobody’s business, which is sooo tough… now.

Nono… I’m not complaining… I hope i don’t sound like I’m whining… but really appreciate what I have now.

Just coming to a quiet and empty library, chilling, with a nice and good-enough view, is more than I can ask for… isn’t it?

I love my life now. (Ask me again in Mid August)

Kinda distracted with other focuses with this EDA module that I’m taking. I’m learning new stuffs every lesson, and am keen to attend class!

Well, I’m always quite enthusiastic with classes… Lol…

I kinda like summer term. Well, people might comment that I have no life, but I do like the intensity and focus of 1 module for 5 weeks. I believe I’ll prefer such arrangements instead of cramming 5 mods over 4 months. Instead, 1 per month seems like a better idea.

I’m so fortunate… to have nice profs all these while. Somehow, there people who do have negative feedback on some profs… but I truly have nothing except appreciation for them.

Somehow, they always have this agenda, of wanting to enlighten us on something more in depth… And I appreciate this gesture. That’s what educators are supposed to do, isn’t it?

However, the only thing that is a pity, is that they barely read or know about Daisaku Ikeda…

Sometimes the ongoing problems that are discussed in class can be so cyclical, everyone just decide that things can barely be improved. However, Sensei is truly far sighted. Sometimes when I read his stuffs, can deeply understand his hope and vision for future…and that a better future is indeed possible… If, we bring humanism into the center stage.

And I’m glad I managed to be involved in this project that revolves around poverty and income distribution…

I realize sometimes I can be quite a communist. Must thwart my mentality a bit… I have to acknowledge there must be some kind inequality in the society, to allow for some level of competition so as to trigger growth for the state, as a whole.

But the concern that I have, is the dignity of the poor. Somehow their value as humans, are judged by their income.

I don’t deny we need the rich to create jobs…for the poor. But have all people been respected as human beings in the first place?

There’s always this natural tendency of human (in Buddhism, we simply call it fundamental darkness), egotism and arrogance, to enjoy putting people down from the top. And because everyone don’t check on themselves, they gradually become less appreciative, and ignore the fact that they need the poor to help them in their business for overall economy growth too! I mean, in that sense, both classes, including the middle, should appreciate each other as people, contributing, rather than, reducing each to simple clusters through generalization and labels.

I understand why Sensei emphasizes so much on the importance of Economics. There have been few occasions I almost want to take up Econs as 2nd major… but I have to constantly remind myself that I really can’t do Maths… NOT that I’m good with English (just look at the way I’m expressing myself… with all the blatant grammar errors), but compared with English, my Maths is a goner.

I enjoyed my previous ICC class too, and learned a lot of stuffs as well. And here I am, enjoying my EDA class as well. I feel so fortunate sometimes, that I get to enjoy lessons so much.

But the fact is, contrary to many in the academia, enjoying and loving lessons don’t correlate to doing well.

I’m worried that I can’t score for this. SIMPLY because… this is the first module that is very dependent on analysis and criticism… something that I’m horrible at.

The final exam takes up 50% of the overall grade, THE FIRST TIME in SMU with the highest final exam grade… Yet this isn’t the scariest part… I only have 1 hour to plan, and 10 minutes to type and submit the answer. 10 minutes! To determine my fate for this module.

Isn’t that too fast?

I mean, 10 Minutes…, sometimes I take longer than that to successfully poo.

Well, besides that, I’m totally fine with everything.

In fact, I think for my uni life, I enjoy lessons to the fullest… it’s the preparations that kills…… *stares at the readings…*

Whineee…

To my dearest comrade all the way at London.

It’s not that I care… really. But I can’t explain why am I so uncomfortable when he’s most probably moving on with another girl. And I thought that kinda suck, especially when, all are common friends.

Really, not that I care.

I just find it despicable, to a certain extent that he seems to be so unsure. Probably, used to be so unsure.

But then again, she’s definitely much more suitable. Lol… I mean, really.

I’m not jealous. Just find it really disgusting that one can move on so fast… when he claimed he was confused about his ex-ex then.

What is it that he’s trying to prove? Maybe he’s not trying to prove anything, and that from my perspective, can’t help but see him in a bad light.

Probably because, up till now, I’m still single. But to a 99% extent, it is very much my choice.

I mean, even if given an opportunity to be together with him again, I’ll be absolutely against it. So what, expect him to be single for life meh? Lol.

But I’m not even dating. Something that’s really abnormal. I’m not even looking out. I am very sure I’m on the right track, but tend to feel a bit of self-pity at the same time. I have to rid that self-pity soon man, before it manifest into something crappy again.

Don’t get me wrong. I am totally used to, being single, and having the freedom to do whatever, go wherever I want.

But lately, this not-so-nice feeling keep lurking out. And the more i contain this, the more I feel negative about it.

Shit man. Am I not busy enough ah? I thought I got a lot of things to settle? Why am I being caught up with things that are definitely not within my area of priority?

I guess I’m just lonely. That is why. But at the same time, I pin to be with… the other him, all the time. And that’s why day dreams will just start forming. But reality is, there’s nothing going on.

Yes, I can sense the rhythmic thingie that we both seem to have at times… something unspoken of, but somehow, I just find that the pace is the same. In fact, we can think of the same thing at the same time. Or even do things similarly. But that could be due to my bias, cos’ I want to feel similar to him, and that’s why try to dig out things to put both of us together. Pui.

But then again, i feel better typing all these out. I don’t want to be pull back just because of little spark of wrong ichinen.

I had been a year. My goodness. I felt like I lived so long during this period of time? I mean, so many things happened that i can’t even truly recall at times. I know when he left, or even before we broke up, my life crashed? Maybe not literally. But I picked up fast enough. In fact, I was disgusted that he continued to give things to me, even for my birthday. The shit thing is, I was with him when he was poor… and I had spent more money on him, than he spending on me. (lesson learned). Now, with his income, can buy proper jewelery la. Kanasai… wasted.
Anyway, back to gifts, I was pretty pissed off by him, for sending or giving me gifts. What was he trying to do? So as to retain that kind of feelings I had for him, so he can jolly well take me back as and when he want to?

I mean, break is he say one. Things also he give one.

Urgh… Cannot stand it. And the thought of me, having so many things at his place, especially the stuffs that I did, just makes me feel disgusted with myself and I hope he would throw or burn them away. I can imagine him, keeping the things and showing to new girlfriends what he had gotten. Oh my goodness…

I mean, those things did help me get over him very soon. Lol… cos I did my best.

As a matter of fact, I knew I can never say things like, Love him forever, cos I doubted whether I could.

That totally justify the fact that we can no longer be together.

Also, I vowed to send him prayers forever, is a good attempt because it was meant to be, even if we were or not together, comrades send prayers to each other still, right? To be safe… And I’m glad I did.

Yes… i know, I shouldn’t be ranting too much. It was my decision… and seriously, I regretted being with him. I had used up 1.5 years of my life and wasted many tears… and lost pride, don’t know how many times, and even felt like I was a whore for a period of time.

But the fact that I learned a lot about myself, about him, and about handling a relationship, shows I shouldn’t regret. If this r/s failed to even happen, I might have ended up with other guys and repeat the same thing.

Because of the break up, i learned about myself even more. Something that I should have learned years ago. I realized I had been too thirsty for company. I was too insecure… to believe that anybody will love me? And I realize, I have to love myself first..

In fact, these days, I feel I deserve more, much more… it’s no longer the confidence issue. So i won’t settle for anybody less, than what I think I deserve.

I treasure the freedom that I have now. When I was with him, it was like a rope tied onto me 24/7, even when he wasn’t around. Constantly fearing to make mistakes, and feeling guilt (for making them or not revealing them), and feeling so not-up-to-it. Gee… it was horrible, isn’t it? I mean, the relationship.

But again, I realized the egotism that I had, and how I have problems loving another person. Well, Sensei says it right. I even had problems loving my parents, how to love another person. So after that relationship, I learned to love, and even sweet-talk to my family. I do not conceal my concern anymore and simply say things that will make my family feel happier. It’s a genuine kind… contrary to last time, i hardly even talk to them.

I learned from him, to be simple and sincere. Especially the sincere part, I can never become simple, that’s just not my character. Somehow, I always feel he wanted to de-messified me, and make me the simple simple girl he like. But I’m not, i’m never. I have weird complicated unlinkable thoughts all the time. And he can never understand. But the part about sincerity, I thought that was really cool.

But again, he can talk and show how good he is a person, but I can never reconcile the fact that he’s one of the spoiled brat in the family. The fact that he’s a male, already gain a higher social status. And that the fact that he’s a graduate, even upgrade him further. And I don’t think he’s doing quite right at home. So I have my reservations. So same, if he can truly love the family member that I presume he hates, then he deserve to love another person.

I have a feeling, somehow, his life episode will repeat again. He is one of the typical people, who separate faith from relationship. I assume. And that’s the root cause of all his sufferings then, and now.

…I have been pretty bothered by this on and off…
It’s like… sometimes I wonder if I will become go ‘crazy’ if he were to end up being attached with other girl.

Some crazy thoughts running around my brain.

Notice my April 2003 archived blog entries’s are up.

I had been wanting to combine all my blog entries, for I removed a huge chunk of my history (which can be super fake or bad), because WS used to be against the idea of blogging.

I did have a few entries that were missing… especially during the messy time when I were still with him, and I don’t think I got back them up.

But oh well, I was just reading thru my 2003 records, which oddly was only 6 years ago, seemed so young and rattling nonsense. Not that I don’t crap these days, but the stuffs I typed previously wasn’t worth reading. It kinda revolved around D that guy that broke up with me that prompted me to start blogging. Ironically, he’s become relatively a famous blogger now and I’m a fan of his blog. I recalled how I stalked his blog after googling, and from realizing super bad news, to somebody who reads his blog for entertainment. How ironic things can change over time isn’t it?

It’s ALOT of work. So I’ll take my own sweet time to archive stuffs. Lala…

I’m picking up the rhythm again! I can sense the right signals that I’m on the right track! I feel fantastic, for being able to accomplish 4 hours of Daimoku in 3 days, although, I’d always feel super sleepy after the 1 hour mark… and how everything changes when my determination and prayers change.

I mean, I don’t expect my family to transform over a week, when, I seem to be the only one chanting seriously about it. But then, come to think of it, my Dad’s Daimoku also sard sard one. Don’t play play. At least, on Dad’s side of life, things are changing. I pretty much am filled with appreciation for having breakfast with my family this morning. I thought that was very much good enough, and to be happy about. But sad to say, it seems that my sis’s fluctuations of 10 worlds is very dependent on the external factors of the state of family. In order to have a family revolution, it has to start from an individual. I can’t be making mum take the full blame, and expect her to change, before I can become happy being in this family. Isn’t it? And I’m taking sole responsibility of transforming as an individual, and I’m not going to whine or complain anymore. I can’t be expecting anybody to think or act like me, or want people to join me simply because I am alone. My first battle didn’t work out, because I was too busy pitying myself. No longer am I going to repeat that mistake. I won’t expect, and will take whatever extra support as a bonus. Anything optimistic that comes out of any family member or situation, I’ll appreciate. Anything that is somewhat negative, I’ll choose to see it from the other way, so at least, I won’t feel discouraged.

As a car drove backwards, I grabbed her hand.
“Be careful of the car.”
“The car driver can see us one la.”
“I’m just concerned.”
“No need la. It’s not like your mother has never stepped out of home alone before.”
“…” (Decoding high context communication in progress…. == Thanks la. I appreciate it)

It’s not easy. But I’ll get used to this soon.

All the Senseis can’t be wrong, Daishonin can’t be wrong too. If they say, if one transform, family transform, society transform. That means it has to be true.

Oddly, with the newly set prayers, the dialogues I had had been superb.
SM, TS, and just now, RW. Of course, just realized 3 of my comrades’ parents are going for pretty major operations. Gee… And I just had such a heart to heart dialogue with RW, I simply see her from a different light.

A lady, grown out of a family without proper motherly love. It’s sick, but true. There are indeed plenty of bad mothers around. In fact, one gets worse than another. Another mountain is definitely higher… And I can imagine that kind of hurt and torment she went through… and till now, had never thought this deep deep stored unhappiness can ever be changed. And yah… it’s mystical how everything is. It’s sick, but a daughter or son can never choose his or her mother. And that is why we call this Karma.

And all these happen nicely when Sensei wrote a long poem for mothers!

Truly feel the deep significance behind. And understand why she is always like stuck in different situations, ongoing and unbreakable. Finally dawned to me today, there was something even more fundamental about her life… and it truly show me, how important and crucial everyone must recognize, this faith, is a very inside-self-heart thing… and the real human revolution is all about. But, I’m prepared to see through that she really can open up her heart, and let go of the past, and embrace and be grateful to her mum.

Mums give birth to children… and if my mum never give birth to me, I’ll never be born. Neither will I be able to practice this buddhism, which is the most important gift my mum gave me. With that, i have to be grateful to bits liao.

I truly understand why sensei emphasized so much on heart of gratitude. In fact, the root of all shit that appears, always lies in ungratefulness. Apparently, its reflected on our daily complaints of simple things. If left uncontrolled, yah… it’ll proliferate into something huge…

It’s so important to be genuine to everyone I meet and talk to.

It’s a long fight… and I must be patient… the root of all problems, is not anything external, but mum’s life deep inside her. She can stop this wrong this now, and change to another later. Or even leave this group of friends now, to find another bad group of friends. It’s her life that is attracting all these negative functions in her life… the only way to change, is that her life must be able to manifest the buddha nature.

And, in order for her to manifest, I must be convinced she can become a happier and better person – A Buddha! Because, if i doubt, or simply have problems believing my mum will ever change, then I’m hinging on her growth already.

Must stop complaining how not good enough my mum is, or how annoying she becomes during various situations. Must have a big heart to truly embrace her.

It had been a fruitful week. And it feels really right that I’m struggling to win, while encouraging others to struggle to change their deep rooted problems as well. At the same time, i really feel, what I am doing is what a disciple should be doing… And what Soka should be doing, a humanistic organization.

Slow and steady… Must not haste… a person’s growth cannot be fast-food-chainalized. It has to be slowly nurtured, just like a seed… to a tree, to bear fruits… it needs alot of time and effort. If I think everything can be done fast, then I’m not only ignorant, I’ve totally forgotten what is it about a human, makes him or her human.

There had been 2 occasions this week, where I exhausted all my energy, to say out what I deem to be as justice… and I hope what I shared, truly set the rest thinking… And gradually, ripple effect will start. Its always at such occasions where I feel like I speak to protect my mentor, at the same time, fearing what others will say or think or disagree (most of the time they will). And… after sharing, I’ll feel like my life was shorten by a few months… that kind of impact.

Sometimes, I really feel lost as an RHQ, as to how to point out to the rest, that exactly is going on… but, it seems like its all legitimate and right… and that I am making the big fuss… But… oh well… I also don’t know how to go about it.

As long as I produce the relevant results… nobody got anything to say. Pui.