I’m shagged. And I’m not joking.
I think I’d make full use of CNY to sleep.
I’ve yet packed anything yet, nor have I sent out the CNY cards.
I’m like so screwed.

This is the first time… the stress that I experience leads to a lack of apetitite. I only ate 1 Mr. Bean Cheese pancake, 1 cuppa soya milk, 1 cuppa coffee, 1 curry puff.
The list of food used to be termed as snacks…

I need sleep.

I’m not supposed to blog.
But for the heck of it… I have a gazillion number of things to do… My to-do list never ends…

I dropped by United Square last week, hoping to grab some new T-shirts from Outfitter girls. I just love their provocative prints. E.g. “I’m good in bed. I can sleep all night.”

And I realized the shop was no longer there. Wa kao. Walked that super long tunnel from Novena for nothing.

I passed by that ice-cream shop that L brought me to. It was the place where I literally opened my heart out and poured whatever feelings/darkness/woes/fear I had to her (yes, over ice-cream, and no alcohol. No wait, I ordered some flavor that has rum, so yeh, there’s alcohol)

It’s the place where it was my turning point. I sobbed like a baby, first time in a long time, in front of her. In fact, I think, for the few times I sobbed within the past few years, she was the one who’s around. Gee, kinda miss my queen.

It was the time, when I dug out my history – all the way since teens till then without missing a single detail; all that happenings that led me to the “me” then. It was like a recap of my own journey at that point, and it was only then, I realized what was wrong with me.

There was this humongous inferiority complex that ran deep into my life, which I totally have forgotten about. It was this thing that disturbs many YWDs, that led them to not believe that we deserve true happiness – Fundamental darkness.

That was the cause of my sufferings, and not who had done me wrong. At that point, whatever anger and hatred I stored in my archives were just freed. And I was totally relaxed after that. And that was the time when I started to believe in me, and truly working on my happiness. At the same time, I understood how other YWs would have felt.

I’d never forget that ice-cream shop, even though I’ve only been there once.

Strangely, i took me more than 1.5 years, to notice that street sign. I only just realize that the ice-cream shop is along Goldhill.

I smiled to myself. My goodness… It is by means no coincidence…. it’s by means, no coincidence.

Oddly, I wasn’t surprised with what Gladwell mentioned. I can’t imagine nor understand how come people can easily come into conclusion that IQ correlates perfectly with successes.

But of course, I felt a tinge of sadness when the author talked about Langan. It is actually such kind of people who will create a change and impact in the world, because of HIS experiences with the whole dogmatic society.

Sadly, he did not have the good fortune to encounter a good mentor. His mentor would be able to guide him and let him know that precisely because the society is like, and precisely because he experienced it and felt most strongly about it, that he must have the courage to create change.

I mean, when I read stuffs like this, I’d become even more appreciative towards Buddhism. Apparently, Daishonin’s Buddhism is about empowerment, action, revolution. No matter how shitty a family background one may come from, yes, he or she may have been framed and learnt the cultural habitus, but with buddhism, one can transform.

This somewhat talks about path dependency. Regardless whether one is super genius or not, the fact that Langan came from a disfunctional family, meant he’s destined to unsuccessful forever.

I appreciate that I come from a middle class family, and although my mum isn’t that educated, she is pretty much inborn with the “hardy” character. Even though I’m unlike the examples Gladwell gave for middle class, where children have ongoing list of activities to participate, and that is why they learnt to talk and be understood. My mum naturally has this courage to speak up at occasions when she needs to. I mastered this skill from her without rushing for art, music or linguistics lessons.

Anyway, on a sidenote. I got really psst when there was this whole portion talking about IQ. I admit I don’t have high IQ, damn it. But it’s not high enough either. I can never be an outlier right? I’m not even GOOD enough to stand a chance to become an outlier. Argh… It’s just annoying just to be mediocre, normal, okay, fine ONLY. But I can’t imagine cramming in 10,000 hours to be an expert either.

I think the more I read this book, the more ‘depressed’ I become.

Moment of honesty
Someone’s gotta take the lead tonight
Whose it gonna be?
I’m gonna sit right here
And tell u while it comes to me
If u have something to say
U should say it right now

U give me a feeling that I never felt before
And I deserve it, I know I deserve it
It’s become something that^‘s impossible to ignore
And I can^‘t take it

I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable, will it make us look crazy
If you ask me I^‘m ready
If you ask me I^‘m ready

I know u said to me
“This is exactly how it should feel when it’s meant to be”
Time is only wasting so why wait for eventually
If we gonna do something about it
We should do it right now

U give me a feeling that I never felt before
And I deserve it, I know I deserve it
It’s become something that^‘s impossible to ignore
It’s what we make it
I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable will it make us look crazy
Or would it be so beautiful either way I^‘m saying
If you ask me I^‘m ready
If you ask me I^‘m ready

Why give up before we try
Feel the lows before the highs
Clip our wings before we fly away
I can^‘t say I can^‘t compare
I^‘m suspended it the air
Won^‘t u come be in the sky with me

I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable will it make us look crazy
Or would it be so beautiful either way I^‘m sayin
If you ask me I^‘m ready
If you ask me I^‘m ready

—

I think Alicia Keys is AMAZING. This song is like soooo sexy! Fell in love with this song, after Empire State of Mind (Part II). I think she pull Empire State so much better on her own. I mean I used to like Jay-Z version, till her Part II released.

Last time, I’m happy with mocha ice-blended.
But that is totally almost no coffee.
Then I switched to Latte.
Then I realize Latte is too milky.
So now I’m into Cappuccino, which I can easily taste the caffeine.
Now Cappuccino also don’t have liao.
I think next should be double shot.
If double shot slowly also no effect…
don’t tell me I have to start expresso?!

Basically, I started with Milo.
Then Teh C.
Then Kopi C xiu dai
Then Kopi C gao
Then Kopi C xiu dai gao
i think.. next will be Kopi O

I just find the caffeine aroma really nice. But sometimes, it’s no longer there anymore~

This feeling of self defeatism is raging strongly in me.

Currently, I feel like dropping everything and just hide in bed.

I feel useless… and stupid, at the same time lazy.

Really bullshit. I always have to go through this kinda feeling and having to drag myself to somewhere, anywhere everyday. wtf is wrong with me man?

This is the bloody path I chose and you might jolly well just stick to it. How tough can things be? it’s just fucking studying and projects, and quizzes, slides, debates, researches, homework and hellava readings…

WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL?

Further more, I’m feeling drained once again with this responsibility I have. And this time round, I don’t have L to ramble to. I’m like left to rot if i want to, or rather, if I can.

AHHHHHHHh……………… I hate all these.

I’ve been wanting to blog about this but obviously I have spent my time doing meaningless stuffs.

There as a discussion in Political Philosophy in class… and the question was:

“In order to be just, you need to recognize injustice actions”

I thought that was pretty clear cut. In order for people to fight for injustice, they need to know where and who is unjust. But there was this whole discussion by some students that some people will see unjust differently.

Why? Because everyone learned different “goods”, meaning different people from different groups may believe in different justice and injustice.

Again, I thought that was clear. I’m pretty much referring to the “New World” where it’s about the usual industrialized societies… where everyone knows about TV and have probably watched it. I’m not referring to tribes because I can define them as still hunting and gathering, and have yet been educated in the way we all are.

And I’m glad prof pointed out that there is this fundamental good that everyone has to value and not go against. And that if anybody from any societies were to violate this, it is absolute injustice. For example, killing a human life.

Then the discussion led to euthanasia, warfare, and suicides.

Apparently, I didn’t realize how rational most human beings have become until that discussion.

A lot of people (especially males) see the above as justified, and that it is not unjust. And it probably is relative to different societies because everyone have different version of values.

For Euthanasia, they argued that it is to the patient’s good to let him/her die since he/she is suffering. And that it is right for the doctor to administer or advise Euthanasia. However, prof mentioned, the key role that a doctor should fulfill is to save humans, and killing them under whatever conditions, is going against a doctor’s mission.

And the discussion started to gear towards war where… some believe, according to Socrates, that if one shouldn’t fight against injustice because it will perpetuate a cycle (where the enemy will get back, and the so-called-just will have to go against enemy again, and so on). I didn’t know why I didn’t raise my hand at this point, because I myself am unsure. But I believe this notion of fighting for justice, isn’t using violence against violence. Words can be used to “fight” for the just. That’s why men of wisdom, or rather Philosophers, do not use arms, they talk, they dialogue. People like Martin Luther King, Gandhi, Socrates, Plato, Daisaku Ikeda, they are the ones who fought without violence. But of course, most of them came to a pitiful end when they were assassinated, which I felt it total unjust and atrocious, yet this successful attempts to kill the good, just create more bad. Because all these became evidence that talks doesn’t work. Even a recent case that I realize from World Politics, where the Athenians who wanted to attack the Melians, massacred them even after Melians initated a dialogue for peace.

That led me to recall about Avatar’s bad guy saying, “Diplomacy has failed.”

And precisely all these awful things are going on, that is why Soka Gakkai exists. This is indeed the Latter Day of the Law… where everyone’s beliefs are running counter to the fundamental good/right.

But again, I figured that people shouldn’t focus on how/why they died, but what good they have created and what legacy they wanted to pass down. Isn’t it?

How about suicides? Somebody commented that if a person doesn’t see value in his/her life and that it is really tough to continue living, and had repetitively attempted to commit suicides, don’t we just let him/her?

Going back to dialogues that men of wisdom use, apparently, I believe it is with the heart of wanting the wrong to learn and realize what is right. And never the case of wanting them to be punished or tortured. But of course, classmates will just shoot this point down by disbelieving that it will never be possible to simply let an unjust person to learn to realize his/her mistakes and become just, simply over talking. There must be sanctions involved. There must be some kind of punishments…

In Buddhism, we believe in cause and effect. Every cause one creates, through thinking, speaking or action, with or without anybody knowing, will lead to an effect. Apparently, I believe wise people, know that we human beings need not administer sanctions ourselves, because it runs counter to the fundamental good…? And that even if one claims to be just, starts to do things that violates this fundamental good, will no longer be just… is it?

I am confused myself… and there is no end to this. I mean this can even branch out to capital punishment… or law, and plenty of things.

But I can only conclude something that prof had mentioned which echoed my thoughts.

BY NATURE, every human beings/living beings want to live. Basically, we search for food to overcome hunger so we won’t die of hunger. We’ll make sure we drink water so that we won’t die of thirst. Even if one who is suicidal, one who is already brain dead, his or her body mechanisms will still insist to function, to make sure our blood still flows, we still breathe oxygen, and continues till they cannot function anymore. Even if this person may look like he or she is suffering at the moment, and that from our perspective, he or she should die quickly so as to release his or her suffering. But unless we intervene, the body will continue to work till they can’t work anymore.

I saw an ant in the cup earlier on, which was the thing that retriggered my desire to write this post. I had killed countless of ants… but I paid particular attention to this.

I tried to drown the ant with water, for a few seconds, and see if the ant will die after a few seconds of emergence in water. When I let it breathe, it was probably lacking in oxygen, and choking… and had problems crawling. I believe it was already dizzy, and that is why it didn’t know where it was walking to. But it did try to walk… to survive… but i guess it got too weak, he lost its grip and dropped back into the water. I tried to save it by rushing to pour the water away, but it was too late. It died.

All living beings strive to live… struggle to just breathe 1 more breath. And nobody has that right to take that away. Not even when this person had done extremely wrong things.

No killing is justified. No war is justified.

Now that I look at it, probably the word JUSTIFY was created by people who are so rational that they don’t believe there’s absolute JUST, they decide to add a deFY to the word JUST, and make it seem like one can defy JUST when based with reasons.

That comes power play. I have been taking a lot of note on Marxists’ theory of the unhappiness of waged workers. And the bourgeoise’s exploitation of the proletariats. That will be my next post then…

I don’t belong to the category that I’d keep ranting that I’m stressed up… In fact, I am really stressed.

It’s already end of Week 3… and I have 6 write ups, 1 debate, 2 big projects, 1 presentation and 1 class discussion facilitation mostly due by Week 6. Just fixing meeting times make me stressed.

But I truly believe I’ve been protected by Buddhist Gods because 2 modules have scaled down the scope.

I really wonder if it’s truly worth it for me to be so on the edge. But the only motivation is that I can graduate early.

This semester… is really the hardest semester I’ve ever had. I have never been good with analytical skills and reasoning… but I seem to face it in every other module. In fact, every module I take seems to have a certain level of difficulty which I have undermined…

I am supposed to put in extra effort which I am not. In fact, this rate that I’m putting in should be what I’ve done in my first year?

This is really scary… It voices down to whether am I truly suitable for this field? I am really too stupid to be here. Haha Everyone else seems smart and good with their stuffs…

I believe it is quite ridiculous that I have to think like this now… but it is indeed true that I am feeling pretty low in my confidence level towards my university education.

I love my course… and I love my modules… I really do. But the thing is, I suck at it. And 3 semesters have not proven to me that I am anything good at it either. But of course, I have learnt quite a number of new stuffs, like ideologies and some important great people.

But I am still extremely lagged behind, compared to other SS students.

And I’m kinda worried because I might just end up, fearing to continue learning. It’s horrible to be just mediocre… Neither good nor bad.

I just totally screw up… I can’t seem to contribute really decent stuffs in class… I can’t seem to digest the readings to stuffs that others can think about when they are reading on their own.  I can’t even seem to suggest good hypothesis for good discussions…. and somehow things I talk about is always based on experiences, and not Science/theories…?

It seems like I have been smacked on my face every other day that this isn’t for me… u know that kind of feeling? Or IS IT really for me? Or am I REALLY into this?

All these self doubt just unleashes itself… and I’m starting to fear even more…

And I’ve yet mentioned the workload? And I’m being overly ambitious with the many modules I am doing…? And 3/4 of me really wanna heck it and charge towards… but this 1/4 of me just believe I might not be able to cope… and that I might just end up… doing badly for everything.

Haiz… Wassup man… wassup?!

Talk about doing something great in future, when I’m like always stuck in this kind of life tendency.

It’s like… over-promising…? Because there’re so many things that I have to deal with in terms of other responsibilities…?

But I’m so seeing myself drifting away from kofu, the way it happened last semester… and I really don’t want this to happen again! It just get scarier as the days go by… and that my outstanding things to be done just continue to pile up…

I’m so dead.