It’s been more than crazy.
I can’t catch up with anything in school.
But i don’t feel like a loser la.
Wish I belong to the non=lazy category… who prefers to wake up in the morning.
i’m not a night person, neither a morning.
I can’t stay up at night to read… neither can I read in the morning, cos i can’t wake up. How ah?

心为切要：并非以心为师，而是要成为心之师。
今日在次誓愿，豁出生命，为师而战。若败北，非真实弟子也。

Can’t you see? Can’t you feel? Can’t you wake up? Damn it…

Totally don’t know how fucked up your brain is, to have lost all senses.

Who else can go all way for the sake of your day? I mean, we have witnessed it all, isn’t it? We have seen who can be the ones who can be trusted, and who else can’t, isn’t it?

My goodness… I can’t get rid of this anger…. can’t get rid at all.

This is so fucked up

just so hard… sometimes I wish I can just leave and go somewhere far far away. Sometimes I wish nothing of all these had happened. Sometimes I wish I don’t need to be so bothered, and simply let things happen. Sometimes I wish all these will end. Sometimes I wish I can just call him and give him my tongue lashing. Sometimes I wish I can just scold her and wake her to her senses. Sometimes I wish she is wiser, and see everything clearly.

“There is no way that all of you, who chant daimoku to the Gohonzon and earnestly strive for kosen-rufu, will fail to become happy. You will not only enjoy happiness in this lifetime, but eternally throughout the three existences of past, present, and future.

“Real life, however, is filled with an unending series of problems, including such things as financial troubles, sickness, and family disharmony. But even though, at such times, your circumstances may seem unfortunate on the surface, if you keep chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo throughout, you will definitely be able to transform all that is negative into something positive in accord with the Buddhist principle of ‘changing poison into medicine.’ You can ride out every difficulty, turning it into an opportunity for growth. In this sense, it can be said that, on a fundamental level, you have already won.

“Your life could be likened to a play. You may be performing the role of someone suffering right now, but the play is certain to have a happy and triumphant ending.
There is no way that it could conclude in misery. You will be able to enjoy happiness in lifetime after lifetime. You will be able to win eternally. So you have nothing to worry about.” Ikeda Sensei

Actually, the environment is just a reflection of our own life. And in order to change the environment, must first change oneself, then the chain effect will start. This applies to all places u have problems with. And it’s the only formula to change environment from bad to good or good to bad.

Linmei knows her onei is working very hard to keep things in check for the chalet, but work hard with no heart, will ultimately be reflected on that day one. (Meaning i have to do some reflection too) Then everything will be just do for people to see… which is exactly like mum, isn’t it?

This battle is not a one off thing… and holding an event doesn’t prove anything of the family thingie that u wanna portray, cos it’s already not reflected in our daily life, how u expect it to change anything… esp when our dear papa is still the same pattern, the root of the problem.

If u see it deeply, this whole thing is just reflecting ur innate fundamental darkness… The anger, the hatred, the unhappiness… and all these are simply functions to obstruct u to continue waging this battle, truly with your heart. I mean, even simply making her happy her is very difficult for u… how u expect this family can be kept together? Ultimately, it is the heart that is most important… whatever we are doing is pretty much on the surface… and whether she feels or not, depends on our hearts.

I’m not saying all these cos’ I’m saintly, cos I have the same feeling as you. Just that I have to quickly recognize that all these are the constant mini battles that I have to fight with myself to not produce any negative feelings towards somebody that I should and want to love. And this is… Human Revolution.

If I can’t do my own Human Revolution, how can I expect anyone in the family to do theirs?

I should be intensively chanting though… but I stopped cos was distracted with the module that I was doing. Super bad. But I truly realize the power of Daimoku then, how things did change the moment I was determined and start chanting for it.

But of course, now I have to restart again.

It is an ongoing battle… and we must continue to fight till the battle is won. Along the way, can be pissed, cheesed, can’t be bothered, etc etc… but must quickly deal with them, before they penetrate into you and take over.

I don’t wish to sound like I’m preaching here…but I think u are pretty aware of oneness of self and environment.

Why work is like that and why they are like that, is a reflection of u as their leader… It’s the same in Gakkai ma… if I no heart to participate in a campaign, my juniors will also be in the same rhythm.

Same goes for family, why is it like this now, cos we haven’t been doing anything to change anything when the problem at its scale was small.. but over time, it got big and exploded. So the amt of effort we have to put is, is to cover the years of combination of small small and big big problems… so we need to be patient… I’m lazy by nature… and prefer alot of short cuts, and usually I am capable of finding the shortcuts in any problems or situation I need to solve. And trust me, there’s none for this. And, so we can only choose the slow and steady mood.

The fundamental attitude towards her must change… if not, if we let them (you know who) see through us, we have lost. Cos it’ll just prove mum is right to have made whatever her reasons for decision (that she has been telling them) right.

And I don’t wish to be sarcastic to them. In fact, would like to be sincere to them. I don’t know why… but sarcasm would be behaving exactly like mum in situations when she’s in buona vista… And it’s just not right… cos it’s too convenient to blame them, for our predicament. It is family’s karma, and our lack of efforts, that cause mum’s life to be so unhappy and hence attract those people into her life. Hence, it is not them, but my fault. It is shitty… cos’ it’s always so much easier to blame other people for our predicament. But oh well… Buddhism & Human Revolution most fundamental unit, is back to self. Once one change, the environment will change.

So cheer up, and don’t be unhappy anymore… anything happen, I carry. (but I no money la, so debts are not included here)

I shall not comment too much about how much waiting I had to do just to do bits and pieces of the project.
But overall, I’m quite satisfied with the whole thing… In fact, the article that we’ve chosen is pretty interesting… and that I managed to squeeze this idea out that was discussed by Ikeda Sensei and Dr. David Krieger, who discussed something with relevance on reallocation of military spending.

And there are of course good and bad comments after the class… cos’, in general, everyone thinks this is too idealistic to even suggest. However, I’m glad I had this talk with WL on the part where Sensei’s views being brought to academics (within my uni) will be put off as idealism… (myself guilty of it too) WL was very strict with this, and was very convinced that Sensei IS right. And whatever Sensei suggests, is never idealistic, but do-able.

With that, I’m more firm, and convinced of Sensei’s thoughts, and bring it to class. So when people start saying that I’m too idealistic… I’ll INSIST I’m not.

It is true… After some thinking…. Absolute poverty is bad news for the economy of the country. I mean, they can focus on the GDP growth all they want, but not only does a high percentage of poor people living below the international poverty line reflects very badly on the politicians of that state, it’ll wreak social peace, and there’s this horde of people that could have contribute to the economy, but too busy trying to survive.

Hence, if governments can see from the perspective that… eradicating absolute poverty is going to benefit the country in the LONG RUN, I believe they would have scrambled to salvage the situation in the first place.

Basically, I learned a lot from the article, discussions, and readings from Sensei’s dialogues. And I’m proud to say that Prof’s feedback to us is pretty good.

Well… left with the FINAL exam. I must get my first A+ this time round.

Just did my planning for my modules next sem… I’m doing 5 mods… and most probably if FT that’s selected by the rest fits in, I’ll be doing 5.5.

I mean, it really looks scarily xiong… and I AM NOT looking forward to the start of the madness season.

But I truly want to graduate in 3 years’ time. AND I must do well for the next few subjects to secure the idea of doing 6 mods next few semesters. Okay… sounds crazy once again… but I must admit, although I’m truly enjoying myself in school… but I really want to get back to workforce, and do something that I truly have passion about, or a step towards my passion. WHILE EARNING MONEY.

And I will/must proceed with my masters asap.

I want to upgrade, not cos of myself… but truly want to be in a position that can spark changes in a scale. The stuffs that we discuss in class is always… so far away… and beyond our means to resolve. But the idea of having a life that’s going to revolve around more papers and research, just makes me feel a bit zzz… but, beats more than coding java.

I don’t regret doing MMC in Ngee Ann Polytechnic. But if I can rewind time to secondary school again, I’ll continue to read more books then, and write more… same goes for Poly times… and probably, should have chosen some course that requires more writing… so as to train myself since then. And not trying to catch up like nobody’s business, which is sooo tough… now.

Nono… I’m not complaining… I hope i don’t sound like I’m whining… but really appreciate what I have now.

Just coming to a quiet and empty library, chilling, with a nice and good-enough view, is more than I can ask for… isn’t it?

I love my life now. (Ask me again in Mid August)

Kinda distracted with other focuses with this EDA module that I’m taking. I’m learning new stuffs every lesson, and am keen to attend class!

Well, I’m always quite enthusiastic with classes… Lol…

I kinda like summer term. Well, people might comment that I have no life, but I do like the intensity and focus of 1 module for 5 weeks. I believe I’ll prefer such arrangements instead of cramming 5 mods over 4 months. Instead, 1 per month seems like a better idea.

I’m so fortunate… to have nice profs all these while. Somehow, there people who do have negative feedback on some profs… but I truly have nothing except appreciation for them.

Somehow, they always have this agenda, of wanting to enlighten us on something more in depth… And I appreciate this gesture. That’s what educators are supposed to do, isn’t it?

However, the only thing that is a pity, is that they barely read or know about Daisaku Ikeda…

Sometimes the ongoing problems that are discussed in class can be so cyclical, everyone just decide that things can barely be improved. However, Sensei is truly far sighted. Sometimes when I read his stuffs, can deeply understand his hope and vision for future…and that a better future is indeed possible… If, we bring humanism into the center stage.

And I’m glad I managed to be involved in this project that revolves around poverty and income distribution…

I realize sometimes I can be quite a communist. Must thwart my mentality a bit… I have to acknowledge there must be some kind inequality in the society, to allow for some level of competition so as to trigger growth for the state, as a whole.

But the concern that I have, is the dignity of the poor. Somehow their value as humans, are judged by their income.

I don’t deny we need the rich to create jobs…for the poor. But have all people been respected as human beings in the first place?

There’s always this natural tendency of human (in Buddhism, we simply call it fundamental darkness), egotism and arrogance, to enjoy putting people down from the top. And because everyone don’t check on themselves, they gradually become less appreciative, and ignore the fact that they need the poor to help them in their business for overall economy growth too! I mean, in that sense, both classes, including the middle, should appreciate each other as people, contributing, rather than, reducing each to simple clusters through generalization and labels.

I understand why Sensei emphasizes so much on the importance of Economics. There have been few occasions I almost want to take up Econs as 2nd major… but I have to constantly remind myself that I really can’t do Maths… NOT that I’m good with English (just look at the way I’m expressing myself… with all the blatant grammar errors), but compared with English, my Maths is a goner.

I enjoyed my previous ICC class too, and learned a lot of stuffs as well. And here I am, enjoying my EDA class as well. I feel so fortunate sometimes, that I get to enjoy lessons so much.

But the fact is, contrary to many in the academia, enjoying and loving lessons don’t correlate to doing well.

I’m worried that I can’t score for this. SIMPLY because… this is the first module that is very dependent on analysis and criticism… something that I’m horrible at.

The final exam takes up 50% of the overall grade, THE FIRST TIME in SMU with the highest final exam grade… Yet this isn’t the scariest part… I only have 1 hour to plan, and 10 minutes to type and submit the answer. 10 minutes! To determine my fate for this module.

Isn’t that too fast?

I mean, 10 Minutes…, sometimes I take longer than that to successfully poo.

Well, besides that, I’m totally fine with everything.

In fact, I think for my uni life, I enjoy lessons to the fullest… it’s the preparations that kills…… *stares at the readings…*

Whineee…

To my dearest comrade all the way at London.

It’s not that I care… really. But I can’t explain why am I so uncomfortable when he’s most probably moving on with another girl. And I thought that kinda suck, especially when, all are common friends.

Really, not that I care.

I just find it despicable, to a certain extent that he seems to be so unsure. Probably, used to be so unsure.

But then again, she’s definitely much more suitable. Lol… I mean, really.

I’m not jealous. Just find it really disgusting that one can move on so fast… when he claimed he was confused about his ex-ex then.

What is it that he’s trying to prove? Maybe he’s not trying to prove anything, and that from my perspective, can’t help but see him in a bad light.

Probably because, up till now, I’m still single. But to a 99% extent, it is very much my choice.

I mean, even if given an opportunity to be together with him again, I’ll be absolutely against it. So what, expect him to be single for life meh? Lol.

But I’m not even dating. Something that’s really abnormal. I’m not even looking out. I am very sure I’m on the right track, but tend to feel a bit of self-pity at the same time. I have to rid that self-pity soon man, before it manifest into something crappy again.

Don’t get me wrong. I am totally used to, being single, and having the freedom to do whatever, go wherever I want.

But lately, this not-so-nice feeling keep lurking out. And the more i contain this, the more I feel negative about it.

Shit man. Am I not busy enough ah? I thought I got a lot of things to settle? Why am I being caught up with things that are definitely not within my area of priority?

I guess I’m just lonely. That is why. But at the same time, I pin to be with… the other him, all the time. And that’s why day dreams will just start forming. But reality is, there’s nothing going on.

Yes, I can sense the rhythmic thingie that we both seem to have at times… something unspoken of, but somehow, I just find that the pace is the same. In fact, we can think of the same thing at the same time. Or even do things similarly. But that could be due to my bias, cos’ I want to feel similar to him, and that’s why try to dig out things to put both of us together. Pui.

But then again, i feel better typing all these out. I don’t want to be pull back just because of little spark of wrong ichinen.

I had been a year. My goodness. I felt like I lived so long during this period of time? I mean, so many things happened that i can’t even truly recall at times. I know when he left, or even before we broke up, my life crashed? Maybe not literally. But I picked up fast enough. In fact, I was disgusted that he continued to give things to me, even for my birthday. The shit thing is, I was with him when he was poor… and I had spent more money on him, than he spending on me. (lesson learned). Now, with his income, can buy proper jewelery la. Kanasai… wasted.
Anyway, back to gifts, I was pretty pissed off by him, for sending or giving me gifts. What was he trying to do? So as to retain that kind of feelings I had for him, so he can jolly well take me back as and when he want to?

I mean, break is he say one. Things also he give one.

Urgh… Cannot stand it. And the thought of me, having so many things at his place, especially the stuffs that I did, just makes me feel disgusted with myself and I hope he would throw or burn them away. I can imagine him, keeping the things and showing to new girlfriends what he had gotten. Oh my goodness…

I mean, those things did help me get over him very soon. Lol… cos I did my best.

As a matter of fact, I knew I can never say things like, Love him forever, cos I doubted whether I could.

That totally justify the fact that we can no longer be together.

Also, I vowed to send him prayers forever, is a good attempt because it was meant to be, even if we were or not together, comrades send prayers to each other still, right? To be safe… And I’m glad I did.

Yes… i know, I shouldn’t be ranting too much. It was my decision… and seriously, I regretted being with him. I had used up 1.5 years of my life and wasted many tears… and lost pride, don’t know how many times, and even felt like I was a whore for a period of time.

But the fact that I learned a lot about myself, about him, and about handling a relationship, shows I shouldn’t regret. If this r/s failed to even happen, I might have ended up with other guys and repeat the same thing.

Because of the break up, i learned about myself even more. Something that I should have learned years ago. I realized I had been too thirsty for company. I was too insecure… to believe that anybody will love me? And I realize, I have to love myself first..

In fact, these days, I feel I deserve more, much more… it’s no longer the confidence issue. So i won’t settle for anybody less, than what I think I deserve.

I treasure the freedom that I have now. When I was with him, it was like a rope tied onto me 24/7, even when he wasn’t around. Constantly fearing to make mistakes, and feeling guilt (for making them or not revealing them), and feeling so not-up-to-it. Gee… it was horrible, isn’t it? I mean, the relationship.

But again, I realized the egotism that I had, and how I have problems loving another person. Well, Sensei says it right. I even had problems loving my parents, how to love another person. So after that relationship, I learned to love, and even sweet-talk to my family. I do not conceal my concern anymore and simply say things that will make my family feel happier. It’s a genuine kind… contrary to last time, i hardly even talk to them.

I learned from him, to be simple and sincere. Especially the sincere part, I can never become simple, that’s just not my character. Somehow, I always feel he wanted to de-messified me, and make me the simple simple girl he like. But I’m not, i’m never. I have weird complicated unlinkable thoughts all the time. And he can never understand. But the part about sincerity, I thought that was really cool.

But again, he can talk and show how good he is a person, but I can never reconcile the fact that he’s one of the spoiled brat in the family. The fact that he’s a male, already gain a higher social status. And that the fact that he’s a graduate, even upgrade him further. And I don’t think he’s doing quite right at home. So I have my reservations. So same, if he can truly love the family member that I presume he hates, then he deserve to love another person.

I have a feeling, somehow, his life episode will repeat again. He is one of the typical people, who separate faith from relationship. I assume. And that’s the root cause of all his sufferings then, and now.

…I have been pretty bothered by this on and off…
It’s like… sometimes I wonder if I will become go ‘crazy’ if he were to end up being attached with other girl.

Some crazy thoughts running around my brain.