Oh well, had been hearing alot about problems between men & women, etc.

Not that I’ve not been through before. But, it’s only when things are historical, I heartfeltly felt and realized why W.S. episode formed part of the chapter of my life. And this serves an extremely critical learning point. I feel extremely grateful that he was part of my life, for if he’s not, I’d never have upgraded in terms of my character.

Firstly, he thought me about loving another person wholeheartedly. In some ways, no reservations. Well, I didn’t have enough time to learn to love him wholeheartedly. *shrugs* And from my senior, I realized how important it is that one must be totally doubtless about the relationship to be sure it is the right one. In what sense? Meaning, zero confusion.

Of course, if you were to ask me now, the person that I have in mind, all these while, all these time, is him. It’s pure, doubtless and no confusion at all. But, if one were to ask me, why him? I can’t answer. If you were to question, what makes you so sure? I don’t know, I just feel that it’s just him. So what if he’s not going to be my future partner? So be it. It’s just purely that kind of feeling, that he’s just the one. And it has never exactly faltered in terms of the conviction over the past few years. In fact, I just get more convinced over time.

But well, this isn’t the key point. After the episode of W.S., I no longer, feel afraid of being alone. I won’t mind watching movie alone (of course, given a choice, I wouldn’t want). But as in, it’s not that kind show off that I’m putting a strong front.  This kind of courage is not faked out.  It’s absolutely genuine… that sense of fearlessness in the depths of my being. No longer do I need to be accompanied by males, nor do I thirst for a boyfriend. You may probably be wondering, I might have just gotten my freedom, so I’d just get sick of it soon enough. Probably, all the discomfort will come in and I’d be on a lookout again.

Ironically, compared to years ago, it’s been tested that I’m not afraid of spending Christmas Eve or New Year Eve alone. In fact, I had my frutiful time. I had a great party or rather gathering with my cousins and niece on Christmas Eve and met up with CK & TL to discuss on the Project R.E.A.D in school. As for New Year Eve, I had a dialogue and packed up my home and tidied up the stuffs all ready for New Year. Although, the only regret is that I did New Year Gongyo alone, not because I don’t have a boyfriend, but because my family wasn’t around. Hence, I hope this year end, it’ll be once again, the complete family. But, I truly enjoyed the packing and the Daimoku. It’s like, me and the Gohonzon, and a refreshed resolve. Of course, it ended up all well, because my mum came back and I spent the first few hours of the new year with her for supper (at 1 AM) 

I’m no longer afraid of Chinese New Year where relatives will ask me if I’m getting a boyfriend. And I’m sure, it’s the same for my birthday and Valentine’s. Yes, I do envy some young couples I walk pass when I’m strutting down the streets. However, I’d smile with bliss for their joy as music from my good ol’ mp3 player played on.

It’s complete freedom. Not free to do whatever I want. I was never truly free before W.S. because I was hungry all along for a companion.

No, I’m not frightened by all the negative stories, like divorces etc. It’s just that I know very well what I’m supposed to be doing, as least, for right now. I’m live with total conviction on Sensei’s words that YWDs will definitely become happy. And I’m definitely sure, I’d have my fair share of story in future. And it might be a difficult journey as well. But I’m absolutely sure, whatever I’m doing now, is getting myself ready for whatever that is coming along.

No, I don’t think fairy tales exists literally. Probably, it does, in expression. And things can only be fairy tales if I perceive them to be one. For example, I see my parents are like a fairy tale story, minusing the complaints of my mommy.

Oh well, take that part aside.

I attribute this version of me, to my training in Soka. And I don’t wish to repeat all the mistakes that I’ve made previously. I realized all those dating partners or boyfriends I had, are just part of my desires to fill up that space, which wasn’t meant to be done like this in the first place.

And I stick to the stand that one can be truly happy without getting married. But of course, the motherly instincts are emerging… all thanks to all my nieces. Haha. So, I also desire to get married and have my own baby! But you see, I’m seriously not in a rush at all. Don’t ask me why, there are too many reasons to justify that.

Well, I do have friends surrounding me, getting hitched, married or giving birth. But, I do feel envious, but that’s all to it. I just get back to my own business and I know what I want totally. I just get cheap thrills through imagination. *giggles*

I’m not extremist to say that I want to be alone forever. I want to settle down cos’ it’s another phase of life that I know I must go through. It’s a series of challenges that I don’t seek to escape.

For people who’re bogged down by relationship problems… just a little word… nothing’s more important than your own happiness. Never compromise on that. Of course, what I meant by happiness, meant absolute happiness. It’s this kind of happiness that can only be created by self… something that can never be given by another. And of course, by mystic bonds can 2 people be brought together. Technically speaking, you attracted him or her into your life. Hence, you were to be unhappy, it’s not because of him or her, but because of your karmic bonds of life that linked him/her to your life to create some unhappiness to your life. Hence, it all voices back to self. It’s always so much more easier to point fingers at another. (all these are in Buddhism perspectives)

Lately, learnt something new. According to TK, he realized from Pollyanna, the book, that she has the ability to see the buddha nature of everyone… or to put it simply, to appreciate the goodness of everyone. Even when Mr. Pentleton was kinda aloof to Pollyanna’s greetings, she knew he was a kind hearted man through his tenderness with his dog. Isn’t it wonderful?

If every human beings are exactly the same, then what makes life interesting? If not for different odd stuffs from different couples, what makes bitching session amongst girls interesting? Isn’t it? Tsk. I guess… I learnt from Pollyanna, the glad game. It kind of worked.