It feels odd… to be aware that I’m not growing… or not challenging myself anymore.
Do I feel fear of defeat? Or am I just tired over what’s going on… that I naturally fall into the defeatist attitude…? Am I starting to believe that ignorance is bliss? Where’s all my fighting spirit? Where’s that huge desire to win? Where’s that spirit of mentor & disciple? Where’s that gratitude? How long have I yet tasted the sweetness of victory?

What’s going on?

Not even 1 year of school life, and I’m already quite unmotivated. What the heck is this? Did I have it all too easy? Or… it wasn’t meant to be like this in the first place at all?

There have been countless of times when I’m walking down the escalators, corridors, concourse of the school, and have problems internalizing that I am studying here. Then this will just ring in my head…

“I am here. But I am not here.”

It’s not that I hate my school. Nothing of this sort. It’s such a pleasant place, with fantastic professors… who never give me Cs when I deserve one. I do make very interesting friends, but not those that I’m willing to forge connections with. Is it me who’s not opening up? I think so. It can’t be the problem of the rest of the school. And the creepy thing is, I don’t mind. I can foresee myself graduating from SMU, and forgetting I had spent some of my years here shortly after.

The whole idea of failure before, just made me feel so difficult to dare to something else altogether. And doing just-good-enough, seems good enough, when my heart knows very well, it is not.

I can’t seem to dare to win, in terms of personal, gakkai or even family… and let’s not even go into the topic of love life.

Everything is so ambiguous. So… chin chai.

I mean, even blogging about my life seems meaningless.

Am I serious about winning a not? Do I want to waste another 4 years of my life? And relearn lessons of regrets? Why is laziness so entrenched in me, that I can don’t bother about the rest of the world? What is it that I’m trying to prove? Who is it that I am winning for?

Ask yourself, u toot.

I seem to have happily retreated to my comfort zone… AM I TRULY HAPPY right now? Where’s the urge to fight,to win?

U see… when the thought of disappointing my mentor no longer matters that much, all these nonsense start to creep in.

Everything, I must give my best shot~ And ensure I win right?

But, this place… it’s so impossible to do well, with all these strong students around. But, I can turn impossible to possible isn’t it? Haven’t I done it before? Yah, I have to go through real shit before winning. There’s this tendency of putting Gakkai stuffs as priority and school can come later. And that’s why I’m always screwing things up…

Even things like helping my mum, or my bestie, i can’t even put my heart to chant. I don’t quite dare to set targets anymore. Cos… i can never seem to meet them.

Take a simple example of taking a bloody basic theory test. And I have to screw up that many times. And there’s this “Take for granted’ “Assume this” or “Think that”… I’m technically a very relative person… and no amount of lessons can make me get rid of this bad habit.

Pek cek with myself man.

Must buck up okay? The stagnant feeling thing is growing across to your FD and Chapter side… we are all becoming very much unmotivated… AND that is bad.