It’s not that I care… really. But I can’t explain why am I so uncomfortable when he’s most probably moving on with another girl. And I thought that kinda suck, especially when, all are common friends.

Really, not that I care.

I just find it despicable, to a certain extent that he seems to be so unsure. Probably, used to be so unsure.

But then again, she’s definitely much more suitable. Lol… I mean, really.

I’m not jealous. Just find it really disgusting that one can move on so fast… when he claimed he was confused about his ex-ex then.

What is it that he’s trying to prove? Maybe he’s not trying to prove anything, and that from my perspective, can’t help but see him in a bad light.

Probably because, up till now, I’m still single. But to a 99% extent, it is very much my choice.

I mean, even if given an opportunity to be together with him again, I’ll be absolutely against it. So what, expect him to be single for life meh? Lol.

But I’m not even dating. Something that’s really abnormal. I’m not even looking out. I am very sure I’m on the right track, but tend to feel a bit of self-pity at the same time. I have to rid that self-pity soon man, before it manifest into something crappy again.

Don’t get me wrong. I am totally used to, being single, and having the freedom to do whatever, go wherever I want.

But lately, this not-so-nice feeling keep lurking out. And the more i contain this, the more I feel negative about it.

Shit man. Am I not busy enough ah? I thought I got a lot of things to settle? Why am I being caught up with things that are definitely not within my area of priority?

I guess I’m just lonely. That is why. But at the same time, I pin to be with… the other him, all the time. And that’s why day dreams will just start forming. But reality is, there’s nothing going on.

Yes, I can sense the rhythmic thingie that we both seem to have at times… something unspoken of, but somehow, I just find that the pace is the same. In fact, we can think of the same thing at the same time. Or even do things similarly. But that could be due to my bias, cos’ I want to feel similar to him, and that’s why try to dig out things to put both of us together. Pui.

But then again, i feel better typing all these out. I don’t want to be pull back just because of little spark of wrong ichinen.

I had been a year. My goodness. I felt like I lived so long during this period of time? I mean, so many things happened that i can’t even truly recall at times. I know when he left, or even before we broke up, my life crashed? Maybe not literally. But I picked up fast enough. In fact, I was disgusted that he continued to give things to me, even for my birthday. The shit thing is, I was with him when he was poor… and I had spent more money on him, than he spending on me. (lesson learned). Now, with his income, can buy proper jewelery la. Kanasai… wasted.
Anyway, back to gifts, I was pretty pissed off by him, for sending or giving me gifts. What was he trying to do? So as to retain that kind of feelings I had for him, so he can jolly well take me back as and when he want to?

I mean, break is he say one. Things also he give one.

Urgh… Cannot stand it. And the thought of me, having so many things at his place, especially the stuffs that I did, just makes me feel disgusted with myself and I hope he would throw or burn them away. I can imagine him, keeping the things and showing to new girlfriends what he had gotten. Oh my goodness…

I mean, those things did help me get over him very soon. Lol… cos I did my best.

As a matter of fact, I knew I can never say things like, Love him forever, cos I doubted whether I could.

That totally justify the fact that we can no longer be together.

Also, I vowed to send him prayers forever, is a good attempt because it was meant to be, even if we were or not together, comrades send prayers to each other still, right? To be safe… And I’m glad I did.

Yes… i know, I shouldn’t be ranting too much. It was my decision… and seriously, I regretted being with him. I had used up 1.5 years of my life and wasted many tears… and lost pride, don’t know how many times, and even felt like I was a whore for a period of time.

But the fact that I learned a lot about myself, about him, and about handling a relationship, shows I shouldn’t regret. If this r/s failed to even happen, I might have ended up with other guys and repeat the same thing.

Because of the break up, i learned about myself even more. Something that I should have learned years ago. I realized I had been too thirsty for company. I was too insecure… to believe that anybody will love me? And I realize, I have to love myself first..

In fact, these days, I feel I deserve more, much more… it’s no longer the confidence issue. So i won’t settle for anybody less, than what I think I deserve.

I treasure the freedom that I have now. When I was with him, it was like a rope tied onto me 24/7, even when he wasn’t around. Constantly fearing to make mistakes, and feeling guilt (for making them or not revealing them), and feeling so not-up-to-it. Gee… it was horrible, isn’t it? I mean, the relationship.

But again, I realized the egotism that I had, and how I have problems loving another person. Well, Sensei says it right. I even had problems loving my parents, how to love another person. So after that relationship, I learned to love, and even sweet-talk to my family. I do not conceal my concern anymore and simply say things that will make my family feel happier. It’s a genuine kind… contrary to last time, i hardly even talk to them.

I learned from him, to be simple and sincere. Especially the sincere part, I can never become simple, that’s just not my character. Somehow, I always feel he wanted to de-messified me, and make me the simple simple girl he like. But I’m not, i’m never. I have weird complicated unlinkable thoughts all the time. And he can never understand. But the part about sincerity, I thought that was really cool.

But again, he can talk and show how good he is a person, but I can never reconcile the fact that he’s one of the spoiled brat in the family. The fact that he’s a male, already gain a higher social status. And that the fact that he’s a graduate, even upgrade him further. And I don’t think he’s doing quite right at home. So I have my reservations. So same, if he can truly love the family member that I presume he hates, then he deserve to love another person.

I have a feeling, somehow, his life episode will repeat again. He is one of the typical people, who separate faith from relationship. I assume. And that’s the root cause of all his sufferings then, and now.