Notice my April 2003 archived blog entries’s are up.

I had been wanting to combine all my blog entries, for I removed a huge chunk of my history (which can be super fake or bad), because WS used to be against the idea of blogging.

I did have a few entries that were missing… especially during the messy time when I were still with him, and I don’t think I got back them up.

But oh well, I was just reading thru my 2003 records, which oddly was only 6 years ago, seemed so young and rattling nonsense. Not that I don’t crap these days, but the stuffs I typed previously wasn’t worth reading. It kinda revolved around D that guy that broke up with me that prompted me to start blogging. Ironically, he’s become relatively a famous blogger now and I’m a fan of his blog. I recalled how I stalked his blog after googling, and from realizing super bad news, to somebody who reads his blog for entertainment. How ironic things can change over time isn’t it?

It’s ALOT of work. So I’ll take my own sweet time to archive stuffs. Lala…

I’m picking up the rhythm again! I can sense the right signals that I’m on the right track! I feel fantastic, for being able to accomplish 4 hours of Daimoku in 3 days, although, I’d always feel super sleepy after the 1 hour mark… and how everything changes when my determination and prayers change.

I mean, I don’t expect my family to transform over a week, when, I seem to be the only one chanting seriously about it. But then, come to think of it, my Dad’s Daimoku also sard sard one. Don’t play play. At least, on Dad’s side of life, things are changing. I pretty much am filled with appreciation for having breakfast with my family this morning. I thought that was very much good enough, and to be happy about. But sad to say, it seems that my sis’s fluctuations of 10 worlds is very dependent on the external factors of the state of family. In order to have a family revolution, it has to start from an individual. I can’t be making mum take the full blame, and expect her to change, before I can become happy being in this family. Isn’t it? And I’m taking sole responsibility of transforming as an individual, and I’m not going to whine or complain anymore. I can’t be expecting anybody to think or act like me, or want people to join me simply because I am alone. My first battle didn’t work out, because I was too busy pitying myself. No longer am I going to repeat that mistake. I won’t expect, and will take whatever extra support as a bonus. Anything optimistic that comes out of any family member or situation, I’ll appreciate. Anything that is somewhat negative, I’ll choose to see it from the other way, so at least, I won’t feel discouraged.

As a car drove backwards, I grabbed her hand.
“Be careful of the car.”
“The car driver can see us one la.”
“I’m just concerned.”
“No need la. It’s not like your mother has never stepped out of home alone before.”
“…” (Decoding high context communication in progress…. == Thanks la. I appreciate it)

It’s not easy. But I’ll get used to this soon.

All the Senseis can’t be wrong, Daishonin can’t be wrong too. If they say, if one transform, family transform, society transform. That means it has to be true.

Oddly, with the newly set prayers, the dialogues I had had been superb.
SM, TS, and just now, RW. Of course, just realized 3 of my comrades’ parents are going for pretty major operations. Gee… And I just had such a heart to heart dialogue with RW, I simply see her from a different light.

A lady, grown out of a family without proper motherly love. It’s sick, but true. There are indeed plenty of bad mothers around. In fact, one gets worse than another. Another mountain is definitely higher… And I can imagine that kind of hurt and torment she went through… and till now, had never thought this deep deep stored unhappiness can ever be changed. And yah… it’s mystical how everything is. It’s sick, but a daughter or son can never choose his or her mother. And that is why we call this Karma.

And all these happen nicely when Sensei wrote a long poem for mothers!

Truly feel the deep significance behind. And understand why she is always like stuck in different situations, ongoing and unbreakable. Finally dawned to me today, there was something even more fundamental about her life… and it truly show me, how important and crucial everyone must recognize, this faith, is a very inside-self-heart thing… and the real human revolution is all about. But, I’m prepared to see through that she really can open up her heart, and let go of the past, and embrace and be grateful to her mum.

Mums give birth to children… and if my mum never give birth to me, I’ll never be born. Neither will I be able to practice this buddhism, which is the most important gift my mum gave me. With that, i have to be grateful to bits liao.

I truly understand why sensei emphasized so much on heart of gratitude. In fact, the root of all shit that appears, always lies in ungratefulness. Apparently, its reflected on our daily complaints of simple things. If left uncontrolled, yah… it’ll proliferate into something huge…

It’s so important to be genuine to everyone I meet and talk to.

It’s a long fight… and I must be patient… the root of all problems, is not anything external, but mum’s life deep inside her. She can stop this wrong this now, and change to another later. Or even leave this group of friends now, to find another bad group of friends. It’s her life that is attracting all these negative functions in her life… the only way to change, is that her life must be able to manifest the buddha nature.

And, in order for her to manifest, I must be convinced she can become a happier and better person – A Buddha! Because, if i doubt, or simply have problems believing my mum will ever change, then I’m hinging on her growth already.

Must stop complaining how not good enough my mum is, or how annoying she becomes during various situations. Must have a big heart to truly embrace her.

It had been a fruitful week. And it feels really right that I’m struggling to win, while encouraging others to struggle to change their deep rooted problems as well. At the same time, i really feel, what I am doing is what a disciple should be doing… And what Soka should be doing, a humanistic organization.

Slow and steady… Must not haste… a person’s growth cannot be fast-food-chainalized. It has to be slowly nurtured, just like a seed… to a tree, to bear fruits… it needs alot of time and effort. If I think everything can be done fast, then I’m not only ignorant, I’ve totally forgotten what is it about a human, makes him or her human.

There had been 2 occasions this week, where I exhausted all my energy, to say out what I deem to be as justice… and I hope what I shared, truly set the rest thinking… And gradually, ripple effect will start. Its always at such occasions where I feel like I speak to protect my mentor, at the same time, fearing what others will say or think or disagree (most of the time they will). And… after sharing, I’ll feel like my life was shorten by a few months… that kind of impact.

Sometimes, I really feel lost as an RHQ, as to how to point out to the rest, that exactly is going on… but, it seems like its all legitimate and right… and that I am making the big fuss… But… oh well… I also don’t know how to go about it.

As long as I produce the relevant results… nobody got anything to say. Pui.

Another heartbroken friend. This time, one of my bestie.

I don’t think she read my blog, but just getting abit worried about her.

Will be supporting her to the very end, and hope she stands up fast…

It is fine, to be loss for a period of time. But I figure this is really the restarting point of time again!

Not only have I identified a personal goal, that is to aim to go Kansai Gaidai University in Japan for exchange, I have also identified my weaknesses in my attitude towards studies. Same goes for the stagnancy of my chapter, as well as my FD RH. It is also the same, for my family karma.

I think these 2 days had been really enriching and encouraging. Had a good chat with ma’s bestie, and truly see how important it is to have childhood friends. People who are really concerned. She made me feel ashamed of myself, because I don’t seem to care as much anymore.

Finally managed to reach J’s dad’s wake… and today was the cremation day. I have never seen J’s dad… but i figure, he is after all, a close comrade’s father, and an immediate connection was just forged. I imagined my mum’s wake, and how drama I’d be, to chase my mum’s bad friends away for they do not fit to be at the wake. Then again, I imagined myself telling mum off, that the time when she’s gone, only her family and true friends will remember and continue sending prayers for her. All those random bitches and bastards? They’d just continue with their life in their goddamned KTVs and create ongoing scandals.

Who will be truly upset when she’s no longer around? It’ll be tonnes and tonnes of members and leaders sending her off. People who genuinely chant for her quick repose and happiness. I can’t imagine how messy things can be, given her messy friendships she had. What can her crap friends do? Sing songs for her?

I mean, even somebody that’s so distant, i can feel so strongly to at the point of cremation. This is what we call the gakkai spirit as well, isn’t it? Why is it that she can’t see? Why is it that it’s the whole world that’s at fault except for her?

Every effect has its own cause. We have ignored mum’s problem for too long, and it proliferated to what we see now. And of course, if continued to be ignored, I can’t imagine how awful situations will be. Do I still genuinely love my mum? If I don’t, I have to seriously reflect. Because Sensei had outright mentioned a gazillion times that we have to be grateful to our parents. Even my members, with even wretched parents, love them too. That’s some profound compassion, I must say… And I can’t remain so selfish.

Family must have a revolution. Isn’t it? What is the ideal family I envision? I don’t exactly have one, and I see that as a problem too.

My nose soured and my heart ached when I see J’s mum sobbing for her husband. And I remembered KT, J’s Dad, my aunt. How awful it is to lose a loved one. I imagine it’s my Dad who leave first, and how much regret my mum has. I imagine my mum leaving first, with all issues unsolved, and me feeling with lots of regrets. Will my mum be truly happy again? Will she? Is it really possible? Do I truly want her to be happy?

I thought I might be accustomed to attending cremation ceremonies, but every time i attend one, it’ll evoke some more strong feelings and deepen my reflections. Are there more stuffs I can do for my parents? Any more things I can do for my family? Do I really love my parents?

Yesterday, I was tad bit hurt, when I heard mum’s bestie saying what mum said regarding her refusal to let me go SUA. “I am not 伟大 enough.” There are times when I do feel Mum had to stick to her decision for subsequent years, due to egotism of her initial decision. Oh well, I figure she really don’t have the heart or mind, hurting other people, because she feel she had been hurt enough. Well, I guess, I had a huge share of hurting her then, and I had learned my lesson. But sis said something really relevant. If not for that setback, I believe I’ll be exactly like mum, if not worse. Stubborn and arrogant, and refuse to listen to others… and full of unhappiness about life… and with satisfaction insatiable. So everything happens for a reason after all.

Well, this time round. I must go… It can be swine flu at its worst, or whatever, must not lose again. Hasn’t gotten any personal victories for the longest time. How can I claim myself to be disciple, when there isn’t victories to prove?

I’m resetting my prayers again. Restarting base of the heart, on faith, on practice again.

Everything must overturn by end of the year!

Tuesday, May 19th, 2009
– TO MY FRIENDS –
Let’s make sure to have clear-cut goals and plans for each day!
Then when we look back on how the day went, we can say to ourselves: “Today again I won!”
Making steady progress, on a daily basis, enables us to adorn our lives with remarkable victories!

Tuesday, May 19th, 2009
— DAILY GOSHO —
“Be diligent in developing your faith until the last moment of your life.
Otherwise you will have regrets. For example, the journey from Kamakura to Kyoto takes twelve days. If you travel for eleven but stop with only one day remaining, how can you admire the moon over the capital?”

(Letter to Niike – The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin, Vol.1, page 1027) Selection source: The New Human Revolution – Surging Seas – 30, Seikyo Shimbun, May 19, 2009

Wednesday, May 20th, 2009
—- DAILY ENCOURAGEMENT —-
“The renowned Australian nurse and physical therapist Elizabeth Kenny (1880-1952), who developed a groundbreaking treatment for the effects of polio, declared: ‘It’s better to be a lion for a day than a sheep all your life.’”

It feels odd… to be aware that I’m not growing… or not challenging myself anymore.
Do I feel fear of defeat? Or am I just tired over what’s going on… that I naturally fall into the defeatist attitude…? Am I starting to believe that ignorance is bliss? Where’s all my fighting spirit? Where’s that huge desire to win? Where’s that spirit of mentor & disciple? Where’s that gratitude? How long have I yet tasted the sweetness of victory?

What’s going on?

Not even 1 year of school life, and I’m already quite unmotivated. What the heck is this? Did I have it all too easy? Or… it wasn’t meant to be like this in the first place at all?

There have been countless of times when I’m walking down the escalators, corridors, concourse of the school, and have problems internalizing that I am studying here. Then this will just ring in my head…

“I am here. But I am not here.”

It’s not that I hate my school. Nothing of this sort. It’s such a pleasant place, with fantastic professors… who never give me Cs when I deserve one. I do make very interesting friends, but not those that I’m willing to forge connections with. Is it me who’s not opening up? I think so. It can’t be the problem of the rest of the school. And the creepy thing is, I don’t mind. I can foresee myself graduating from SMU, and forgetting I had spent some of my years here shortly after.

The whole idea of failure before, just made me feel so difficult to dare to something else altogether. And doing just-good-enough, seems good enough, when my heart knows very well, it is not.

I can’t seem to dare to win, in terms of personal, gakkai or even family… and let’s not even go into the topic of love life.

Everything is so ambiguous. So… chin chai.

I mean, even blogging about my life seems meaningless.

Am I serious about winning a not? Do I want to waste another 4 years of my life? And relearn lessons of regrets? Why is laziness so entrenched in me, that I can don’t bother about the rest of the world? What is it that I’m trying to prove? Who is it that I am winning for?

Ask yourself, u toot.

I seem to have happily retreated to my comfort zone… AM I TRULY HAPPY right now? Where’s the urge to fight,to win?

U see… when the thought of disappointing my mentor no longer matters that much, all these nonsense start to creep in.

Everything, I must give my best shot~ And ensure I win right?

But, this place… it’s so impossible to do well, with all these strong students around. But, I can turn impossible to possible isn’t it? Haven’t I done it before? Yah, I have to go through real shit before winning. There’s this tendency of putting Gakkai stuffs as priority and school can come later. And that’s why I’m always screwing things up…

Even things like helping my mum, or my bestie, i can’t even put my heart to chant. I don’t quite dare to set targets anymore. Cos… i can never seem to meet them.

Take a simple example of taking a bloody basic theory test. And I have to screw up that many times. And there’s this “Take for granted’ “Assume this” or “Think that”… I’m technically a very relative person… and no amount of lessons can make me get rid of this bad habit.

Pek cek with myself man.

Must buck up okay? The stagnant feeling thing is growing across to your FD and Chapter side… we are all becoming very much unmotivated… AND that is bad.

This is really classic… MY poly friends would be rolling around in laughter…. we watched this 10 times without getting sick of it. Why does the accent just reminds me of Vanessa… muahaha…

When there’re times like this… I wish Onei is around…
Coming home is really… like living in deception.

There have been too many things happening, and there’re times when I wish I have more time for blogging. It’s not much of a place where I throw all my emotions out. However,  I always find ‘writing’ a means to reconcile alot of complications in my mind.

Ever since the last entry, I’ve sent A to UK at the airport, got extremely disappointed and heartbroken by Y, got some strict yet compassionate guidance by C, cried to my heart’s content, had a bit of crazy schedule over 2 presentations last week, did a super funny BGS presentation with my group, sprained my toe, attended P’s ROM,  and… for the longest time, finally KTV-ed.

Truly happy for A’s victory, to successfully pursue her dreams. It had been a long time since I wrote a letter to somebody. And I managed to do something sweet in some short time.

Of course, can be happy with one junior on one end, and be super upset with another. Y’s issue got me troubled for nearly half the month. It’s something that not many can understand? On one end, I might be labelled as somebody who’s trying to destroy her happiness… but on the other, I know very well, my heart tells me it’s not. However, whatever bond we forge can’t cross this major test. And, I appreciate this pain, for it let me experienced what my seniors felt then. They/I dug out the heart to foster, and train her/me, and she/I ended up disappointing people that she/I trusted. Just recalling this incident, simply made me feel heartwrenching and hair standing.

I managed to talk to C about it. And I’m glad he was around to ‘talk’ through things with me. Am I truly determined to be Sensei’s true disciple? Do I really think this path is going to be easy? Heartache, is just part of the package… If I’m half-hearted, might as well not start in the first place. But since I’ve decided, then I must definitely win in the end.

My tears couldn’t stop flowing.

And I got his point, that I’m afterall on the right track… I can’t be expecting good times, but to take bad times for granted instead. Bad times can come in different forms isn’t it?

Well, I do need some form of closure for heartmatters.issue1. How long do I need to continue to be in this status? Till year end? 2 years? 3 years?

I don’t wish to end up thinking about this, on and off, for it’s not doing me any good for now.

Not that I wish to be a spinster for life. But I know very well, it’s not time to think about all these. Why do I end up getting so hung up over it, for so long? There must be a reason isn’t it? I can’t deny how I feel… neither do I see the urgency to resolve it. But if status is quo, why do I feel uneasy at times?  must quickly reconcile this feeling, for it’s just slowing my pace down.

I’m enjoying school. It’ s fun when project mates are nice people. not that others aren’t, just that BGS group and of course, the class itself, is pretty fun. And it helps when BGS is on Friday. and with the very nice prof.

There isn’t much to complain about life, isn’t it? Except, I wish I have inexhaustible funds for cabs. I decided to be upfront about the fact that I hate standing up in MRT, with my heavy bag, and to be ungracious in snatching seats. I hate to walk under the sun, from the bus stop to MRT. Hee hee..

Oh yah, did i mention my student is extremely adorable?

And that my sis is leaving for Aussie!!!! without me!

C mentioned that I can work hard, fall down, stand up and work hard again, and go for a break in december. I was wondering… where? Sentosa beach ah? It’s also expensive too.

Maybe I should plan for a single trip out alone in December. I miss the beaches, and chill out feel. With books, sand, and jazz. Hey, it’s just march, i keep thinking it’s November.

It’s odd when one has to go through that many emotions in 2 days.

First, was joyous… cos i passed my Econs mid terms at 37/50! Okay, alot got above 35, but at least, this time I know i’m not below the 25th percentile.

Second, felt satisfied… after teaching my 1st tuition to this cutie Filipino P6 boy… I thought I really make a good teacher. Wa ha ha ha… any lobangs? Please pass my contact to him or her. I teach English & Maths Upper Primary, Lower Secondary…If that person is fail one, i’ll teach until he or she can pass. Proven.

Third, got lost in Bukit Panjang, finding a flat that is supposedly easily spotted. I spent walking 1/2 hour around the neighborhood. And a series of negative news of my YWD leaders… not convenient to mention here, but… just made me feel super at a loss too…

Fourth, got home… planning to be a good girl to do my readings. Instead, i couldn’t help but keep hearing her on the phone (yes in the middle of the night). Got distraught… broke down, and decided to just go to void deck to do my readings. Apparently, she didn’t even hear the banging of door. I guess she’s just in her own world.

And a string of bad luck follows…

Fifth, absent-mindedly went to the wrong venue thinking that it’s right… got too late for my PSYC study… but the nice experimenter didn’t mark me absent, and allow me to go for another slot the next day.

Sixth, I embarrased myself by holding my Da Bao uprightly, as if I’m scared nobody can see what’s for lunch, and I got stopped by the security before i can manage to head into the library.

Seventh, just when I thought I can just neutrally eat my bao outside the library… I realize my phone is MISSING!

Eighth, got all crazy and rush back to my own block, to realize I hardly have friends to help me out, cos people that walk past me are people i don’t know. I used the Security’s phone (not the one that stopped me).

Ninth, my phone rang, and this ang moh picked up my phone~ Good samaritarian! He ask me to meet him at Raffles Quay at 2 pm~

Tenth, that means i have less time to do my readings for the test… and I feel insecure that I’m meeting another guy at an alien place, without my phone. How do i contact him if i can’t see him right?

Eleventh, that’s when I decided to MSN some people who might be in school to loan me their phone for an hour… and a project mate, who’s at home, offered to accompany me to meet up with that ang moh! So nice of him!!! Felt so grateful touched and saved…

Twelve, got back my phone from this pretty cute ang moh, and treated that savior to lunch~

Thirteenth, realize there’s no QUIZ at all! HURRAY!!!!!

Lastly, felt like my prayer answered… been chanting for some sign. If it’s not meant to be… i shall just drop the idea. But if it is, at least have some signs to cue me that there’s something. Somehow the online chat we had, was one of the fewest or zero dialogues we had. I bare out whatever had been happening… and for the first time, I heard from him what was happening to him… and… guess what… it’s all around the same time! Both unforgetable, and almost unhandleable. I felt extremely encouraged to fight it all out again, at the same time, cheered that I’m given the cue… but at the same time, stressed.

Talk about fluidity of human emotions…